The beginning of a relationship is blissful and joyous. As time goes on, we get to know our partner more deeply and become more committed to the relationship. While small things might become a bit annoying, more fundamental differences can become difficult to navigate. Life would be boring if our partner morphed into ourselves, yet there are likely to still be things we need from them to be happy in the relationship.
We know that 69% of problems in a relationship are perpetual, this is, they arise out of two different humans making a life together, they have no clear solution and are likely to require ongoing dialogue to navigate them well. Equal and shared power is essential, as is compromise, in happy, healthy relationships. Similarly, giving up on part or all of who you are is likely to lead to unhappiness and a sense of self-betrayal, and thus an unhappy relationship.
One of the most important elements of a happy relationship is a sense of being loved, appreciated and valued by a partner. So how do we do this with the things we find most challenging. I encourage you to:
- Look for the other side of the ‘annoying habit’. Maybe your partner has a strong work ethic and spends more time than you would like at work, but in doing this they’re creating financial stability for your family which is something you value. Or perhaps, you partner often volunteers to help family and friends even when they’re quite busy, but they’re also quite generous in how they help you with various things which makes you feel loved and cared for. I encourage you to recognise the deeper quality you love about your partner that sits under the ‘annoying habit’.
- Look for all the good things you love about your partner. The research is clear, the more we focus on the good, the less significant the less-good stuff seems.
- Look for all the ways your partner shows their love for you (even if your brain doesn’t naturally recognise these things). Sometimes there can be misalignment in how love is expressed and received. Try to meet your partner in the middle by recognising the efforts they do make.
- Think about what it is you really (really) need. Do you need to feel closer and more emotionally connected with your partner? Do you need to feel heard and understood? Do you need to feel supported in achieving your personal goals?
- Express this need to your partner gently and as a positive. Avoid pointing out what you don’t want. This might sound like: ‘I miss you when we’re both busy. I want to feel closer to you again. Can we make some time to spend together.’
- Help your partner by thinking about where you can be flexible. Once we think about what we really need, the core need if you will, the solution becomes more flexible. For example: If the core need is to feel emotionally attuned, the solution could be chats about your day after work, weekly dinner dates, or monthly weekend adventures together. Additionally, the night of the week or the weekend of the month could vary, as could the restaurant or the adventure destination.
- If your partner can’t (or won’t) give you what you need, be honest with yourself about whether you can accept this without giving up on a part of yourself. This may require some reflection and possibly even sessions with an individual therapist to clarify the importance of the need.
- Avoid criticising your partner for their differences. Unfortunately, even when two people are in love, and have a fundamentally good relationship, they can want different things, for example: children, or non-monogamy. This can also be less tangible things like how emotional needs are met, and beliefs and meta-emotions around how emotional needs should be met. At the same time, difference don’t mean that one or the other partner is ‘bad’ or ‘doesn’t care’. It just means there are differences between the two of you, and while the end of a relationship is always devastating, it is possible to make this decision from a place of kindness and love and wanting the best for each other.
At the end of the day, the relationship you share with your partner is going to be much happier if you both accept each other for you/they are. If you are looking for support around fundamental differences in your relationship or would like to find out more, contact Bonnie Ingram Psychology for more information.
