There is a lot of talk about attachment styles in relationships these days and the challenge that certain attachment combinations can present. Attachment styles are predominantly formed in early childhood based on a child’s perception of their parent’s availability, particularly emotional availability. While these aren’t cast in stone, they can sometimes endure into adult relationship dynamics. Awareness of attachment style and its functioning can be helpful in navigating your intimate and personal relationships. It is important to keep in mind that emotional connection is fundamental to our survival and well-being. Here is a brief overview of the attachment styles.
Secure attachment
Secure attachment develops when a child perceives their parent or caregiver as being available to meet their needs. They feel safe to play and explore while knowing that their parent will be there for them if they need them. Securely attached adults are quite the same in their intimate relationships. They feel comfortable with intimacy, enjoy spending time with their partner and doing things independently as they feel safe knowing that their partner is there for them if needed and the relationship is stable even if they are temporarily apart.
Anxious attachment
Anxious attachment develops when a child perceives that their parent or caregivers’ availability as being inconsistent. The parent may respond to some of their needs but not others. The child becomes anxious about how to form a secure emotional connection with their parent and may become clingy or angry if they feel their parent hasn’t been available to them when needed. In adulthood and intimate relationships, a person with anxious attachment may find themselves wanting to ‘fast-track’ and/or secure a relationship to alleviate anxiety. They will require a high level of intimacy and often, reassurance of the stability of the relationship. They may feel anxious when separated from their partner and may even feel more ‘attracted’ to potential partners who are less emotionally available.
Avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment develops when a child perceives their parent or caregiver as being consistently unavailable. There may have been separation from the parent for a period of time, the parent may have experienced depression and had limited emotional responsiveness, or simply not recognised the importance of emotional connection with their child. The child learns that others are not available to them, and they must learn to look after themselves. These children are likely to appear unconcerned about their parent’s absence or lack of responsiveness. However, studies have shown extremely high cortisol levels in these children as they try to regulate their emotions alone. Children actually learn how to regulate their emotions through their emotional connection with their parents so it can be extremely difficult for a young child to try to do alone. In adulthood and intimate relationships, a person with avoidant attachment will prefer a high level of independence and low intimacy in their relationships. They may appear distant and/or unavailable. During times of stress, they are likely to withdraw while they try to regulate their emotions rather than seek connection with their partner.
Disorganised attachment
Disorganised attachment develops when a child experiences a very frightening or traumatic event, particularly if they find a parent or caregiver frightening. This may happen if the parent has their own developmental trauma and behaves in a dysregulated and scary way. The child learns that the person they need most for their safety and survival is also a source of danger. They feel paralysed between seeking emotional connection and wanting to move away from the source of fear. Persons with disorganised attachment tend to experience the most difficulty in adult and intimate partnerships. They crave a feeling of intimacy with others, including their partner, however, if trauma is untreated or unresolved, triggers may set off a cycle of seeking intimacy and security in the relationship and withdrawing for safety. The impact of trauma on relationships can be quite profound, without the person even being aware of what is happening, especially with early childhood or developmental trauma.
It is important to remember that attachment styles are not set in stone, they are flexible and adaptable, especially depending on who you are in a relationship with. If you think you could use some help in working with your attachment style, or healing trauma within your relationship, contact Bonnie Ingram Psychology to make an appointment.
