Betrayal trauma is the natural trauma-like response a person experiences when they find out their partner has been unfaithful, either sexually or emotionally. Betrayal trauma can include symptoms like intrusive images in one’s mind about their partner with another person, a mental narrative about what they did to cause their partner to cheat, a feeling that one’s whole world has been turned upside down, and a sense that everything that is the foundation for one’s life no longer exists. There will also be the question of whether to forgive or not, and whether or not to continue the relationship. Recovery from betrayal trauma takes time, and if you decide to maintain the relationship, considerable effort from both partners.
If you are presently experiencing betrayal trauma, remember, no matter what was happening in the relationship, you are not responsible for your partner’s choice. It may be helpful to know there is a natural process of recovery and symptoms will be most intense at the beginning of this process. It is important to allow yourself the space to experience the initial shock and emotion that goes with discovering an affair, and to begin to make sense of what has happened. You are going to have a lot of questions, the most prominent of which will most likely be ‘why?’.
Knowing the symptoms you’re experiencing are normal can help to reduce the distress around them while you make sense of what has happened. Although it is distressing, while these symptoms are happening you are experiencing natural emotion and the natural stress response that allows the opportunity to recognise and examine your thoughts and challenge any thoughts that could become unhelpful. This is called an active approach to recovery and tends to foster natural recovery from trauma.
Sometimes when such distressing emotions are felt, one (unsurprisingly) wants to avoid the awful feeling. While a little bit of reprieve through temporary distraction may be helpful, avoidance as an overall strategy is likely to result in a more protracted period of distressing emotion and possibly non-recovery. Making sense of the affair/s and understanding that you didn’t cause it to happen is essential.
A note on conversations with your partner. Following discovery or disclosure of an affair, you are likely to have a lot of questions as you try to make sense of things, and your partner will be unsure of what and how much disclose. While honesty and transparency are essential for recovery from an affair, there are some details that are likely to be more harmful than helpful. If you chose to maintain the relationship, support from an appropriately skilled therapist can be helpful in navigating these conversations in a way that is protective for your relationship.
If you are experiencing betrayal trauma, struggling to make sense of what has happened, and would like support on the journey of recovery, please reach out to Bonnie Ingram Psychology.
