If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, you will know that, despite all good intentions, eventually, an interaction will go side-ways and stress levels will rise. All couples will have difficult moments, particularly when one or both partners are less resourced (tired, stressed, etc.). Sometimes there are certain topics that are particularly stressful to talk about, especially if the issue has significant meaning for one or both of you. There may even be some topics you try to avoid because you know they tend to go badly. Often, with issues that are quite important to us our stress level can rise more quickly than when the topic isn’t important to us. If the stress level rises enough, it can impact the way we participate in the interaction. Self-soothing, and maintaining calm become essential for having a helpful conversation. Here are some suggestions for having a more helpful interaction around those tricky subjects:
- Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust that they want to have a helpful conversation (and maybe even find a solution) as much as your do.
- Acknowledge that the topic is important to both of you, otherwise it wouldn’t be a Mexican stand-off, and each of you are likely to have some core needs at play.
- Set aside time. Rather than trying to decide which nursing home your mum should move into while you’re trying to get the kids out the door in the morning, give the conversation the time it deserves. Work out when you can both sit down to talk through things when you’re baseline stress level is low (or at least lower).
- Take turns and talk from your own perspective, share how you feel and why this issue is so important for you. Talk about what you need in a positive way.
- Listen and try to understand to each other, even if you disagree. Make sure you understand each other’s perspective before you start problem solving.
- If things get heated or you feel overwhelmed, pause. Have an agreement with each other, that if anyone asks for a break, this request will be honoured. Have a plan for your break that is relaxing. Take a walk, read a book, do a meditation or have a snack, but don’t ruminate. Come back to the interaction when you are both calm and ready to continue the conversation. Thirty minutes should be enough, but don’t leave it more than 24 hours.
- Pay attention to the signs within your body that you’re becoming stressed such as increased heart rate, feeling flushed or difficulty concentrating. Know when it’s time to take time out.
If you are finding communication in your relationship is getting stuck, out of control, or causing hurt, or you would simply like to find out more, contact Bonnie Ingram Psychology for more information.
