Doctors John and Julie Gottman’s research helps us understand how happy couples communicate their needs with each other.
Here are the 3 things you can do to get what you need in a relationship
1. Talk about how you feel
If there is something they feel unhappy about, they start by talking about how they feel. This might sound like: I feel upset, I feel angry, or I feel hurt.
2. Talk about the situation
Next, they talk about the situation. They avoid describing or blaming their partner. They focus of the facts. This might sound like: That the kitchen is dirty, that I didn’t know where you were, or that we haven’t spent quality time together lately.
3. Talk about what you need
Lastly, they identify what they do need, and omit talking about what they don’t want. This is called expressing a positive need. This might sound like: For the kitchen to be clean before we go to bed, to know where you are and that you’re safe, or to spend more quality time with you. If there was a time when the was met, they might mention this, expressed as an appreciation towards their partner, and how happy it made them. This might sound like: remember that weekend we spent together at beach, that was so much fun and I loved just being with you, let’s do that again.
Next time there’s something you’re unhappy about in your relationship, try saying what you need using this formula. Expressing needs this way makes it easier for you partner to hear what you’re saying. If you’re finding this challenging or would like some extra help, contact Bonnie Ingram Psychology to make an appointment.
