Awareness about domestic violence has expanded a lot in recent years, such that many governments now recognise the problematic nature of coercive controlling behaviours. While one person having more control in a relationship, based on gender, was thought to be normal, even desirable, it is now widely understood that equal and shared power is what makes for healthy relationships. It has also been previously thought that an absence of physical violence means a relationship is safe, however more recent research suggests that persons who kill an intimate partner are unlikely to have ever used physical violence. Rather, they use coercive behaviours to maintain control of their partner.
Some of these coercive behaviours may look like:
- Isolating a partner from friends and/or family (this can be done in very subtle ways)
- Controlling finances, taking wages, restricting access to money, or forcing a partner to assume debt
- Depriving a partner of access to needed health or medical services
- Using humiliation, telling a partner they are ‘crazy’ or ‘stupid’ or forcing them to engage in degrading behaviour
- Restricting or preventing access to work or study
- Damaging the partner’s belongings or property
- Threatening to harm or kill the partner, a child, family member, or pet
- Monitoring through tracking devices or surveillance systems
- Restricting access to contraception or forced pregnancy
- Enforcing consequences for not complying to the perpetrators wishes
- Non-consensual sexual behaviour, sexual assault or threats thereof
- Choking, including during sex
- Victim blaming and inability to take responsibility for poor behaviour
This is not an exhaustive list however gives an indication of some red flags to be aware of. One overarching hallmark of coercive control behaviour in a relationship is presenting the perpetrators behaviour as the victim’s fault. This narrative, pervasively perpetuated by a perpetrator, often leaves a victim wondering what is wrong with them, why they can’t make their partner happy, and with little to no self-worth, making it very difficult to leave the relationship.
Another indicator of a coercive control relationship is unequal power. While it may be surprising, it is possible for a partner to behaviour poorly and even engage in emotional abuse, without this behaviour being fundamentally motivated by maintaining control of their partner. However, if the power in a relationship is clearly not equal and not shared, it is worth paying attention to. Perhaps consider what may happen if you tried to create more equal power. If you have ever feel unsafe or afraid of your partner, this is also something to pay attention to.
If a victim of domestic violence or coercive control does decide to leave a relationship, this is often when risk to the victim increases significantly, because the perpetrator becomes aware they are losing control of their partner. Leaving a coercive control relationship safely requires a carefully planned strategy. If you have concerns about the balance of power in your relationship and would like support in making sense of what is happening, please reach out to Bonnie Ingram Psychology.
If you have any immediate concerns for your safety, please contact 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732, Lifeline on 13 11 14, or if you are in immediate danger, please call triple zero 000.
