Pretty much everyone wants to have a good relationship. Sometimes the best intentions go awry, and sometimes one partner isn’t quite aware of how they’re impacting the other. But sometimes relationships go badly. Whether a previous relationship involved infidelity, emotional abuse, violence, or just plain negativity, this experience can influence our perception of our current relationship. A good example is anyone who has ever been cheated on; it’s unsurprising that this may contribute to feelings of insecurity in future relationships. In extreme cases, an intimate partner can be viewed as the least trustworthy person simply because of the role they’re in.
Trauma, by definition, influences our perception of ourselves, others, and the world around us, particularly when it remains untreated or in a state of non-recovery (see previous blog on trauma). The unfortunate thing about trauma is that benign events can trigger horrible feelings, and sometimes meaning is made from these feelings.
For example: You get a text from your partner saying they’re going to be home late from work because they have to stop and help a friend with something on the way. This was your previous partner’s cover for starting a relationship with a work colleague. Before you moved in with your current partner, you judged them to be honest and trustworthy; this was what attracted you to them. But as you read the text, your stomach knots and a feeling of dread descends. You think: Is this happening again? Can you ever really trust anyone? When you’re partner arrives home, you’re on guard and maybe a little annoyed. Depending on how you and your partner handle this, things can go in many different directions, but we do know trauma can profoundly affect the quality of relationships.
An important place to begin is to remember that your current partner isn’t your previous partner. If you’re struggling to separate your partner from your ex, maybe jot down some notes about how they’re different, particularly around characteristics like honesty and thoughtfulness.
When you feel triggered, try to share what is going with your partner. Tell them how you’re feeling. Share the story of what happened in the previous relationship, how it links to what is happening now, and if there is anything you need from them. Try not to blame or criticise. Everyone has vulnerabilities within a relationship, whether they’re from childhood, a past relationship, or just life. Honouring these vulnerabilities with empathy and compassion is important for a happy relationship
Sometimes, trying to manage the symptoms of trauma within a relationship is more than two people can handle, even when you’re both doing your best. If you’re still experiencing trauma symptoms and you’re worried it’s impacting your relationship, trauma therapy or couples therapy could be helpful. Individual trauma therapy can help you process and make sense of the traumatic events you have experienced and reduce symptoms like intrusive memories, anxiety, and unhelpful thoughts. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to share your stories with each other and create a sense of working together to navigate the challenges traumatic experiences present. Ultimately, being able to work together is most helpful.
If you’re interested in individual trauma therapy, or couples therapy to support your relationship, please reach out to Bonnie Ingram Psychology.
