For a single person, it can be challenging to know what to look for in a new partner when dating. There can be a lot of feelings: excitement, awkwardness and everything in between. So, what are some things we know make a person a good partner? Logan Ury’s research, outlined in her book ‘How to Not Die Alone?’ identifies some universal good qualities to look out for in the early stages of dating:
1. Emotional Stability and Kindness
Kindness, generosity and empathy make for a caring and supportive partner. Emotional stability means a person can self-regulate through difficult feelings and still communicate with you. Pay attention to how your date treats those around them, whether it be their family, friends, or someone on the street.
2. Loyalty
A loyal person will be there for you in good times and in bad times. They will be there when you need them most, rather than when it is convenient for them. Similar to the above, pay attention to how they treat the people close to them. Do they keep their word and meet the commitments they make, or do they cancel for a better offer. Have they maintained enduring friendships over a long period of time.
3. A Growth Mindset
People with a growth mindset tend to embrace challenges, persist throughs setbacks, see learning new things as an opportunity to grow, feel inspired by other’s accomplishments, and practice self-compassion. All of these characteristics make navigating the inevitable challenges of life together easier. Pay attention to how your date approaches challenging situations.
4. A Personality That Brings Out The Best In You
Even if someone is amazing, if they bring out less than the best in you, it’s likely to be an unhappy endeavour. The important thing is the dynamic the two of you create together. Do you feel good about yourself and who you are with this person? Pay attention to how you feel. Do you feel good, worthy and inspired, or do you feel less-than.
5. Skills To ‘Fight Well’
A relationship involves the coming together of two different human beings with different backgrounds, experiences, and values. Through his research Dr John Gottman has identified that 69% of problems in a relationship are perpetual, this is these problems have no clear solution. Conflict is a fundamental element of any relationship, and being able to talk things through, ‘fight well’, and come to agreements that satisfy both of you is essential to a happy lasting relationship. Pay attention to how your date responds to disagreements and how the two of you argue together. Do you feel heard? Are perspectives expressed with respect? Can you compromise with each other?
6. The Ability To Make Hard Decisions With You
If you spend a long time in an intimate partnership, there will inevitably be hard, even seemingly impossible decisions. Can you talk through hard things with this person? This isn’t something you’re likely to find out on a first date, but as the relationship progresses, pay attention to how the two of you talk through challenging situations. This might be something small like cooking a meal together, or something big like one of you losing your job or working out how to care for a sick relative.
And if you’re wondering, things she identifies as far less important (or completely unimportant) include: money, appearance, similarity to one-self, and shared hobbies and interests. In fact, the Gottman’s research has identified similar interests as completely unrelated to relationship satisfaction.
If you’re dating and looking for support, or in the early stages of a relationship you’re not 100% sure about fully committing to, talking things through with a therapist may be helpful. Contact Bonnie Ingram Psychology to make an appointment.
