Recovery from an affair requires the rebuilding and reestablishment of trust. This is an incremental process that happens over time through an accumulation of actions that demonstrate a prioritisation of the partner and the relationship. It beginnings with full disclosure (excepting any explicit detail that is likely to traumatise the betrayed partner) and acceptance of responsibility for the decision to risk the relationship.
Joint responsibility
While only one partner may have broken trust, the process of repair is a joint responsibility and requires cooperation. The hurt partner will be devastated and may feel inclined to blame or criticise the partner who has broken their trust; however, it is very important to practice the antidotes to the Four Horsemen, particularly by talking about how you feel, not what your partner did, and what you need from them to start to trust again. This might include things like transparency, letting each other know where you are, or access to device passwords. For the partner who has broken trust, you are also likely to be in deep pain and wanting to talk about what was missing for you in the first place. Be mindful that this is an indirect blame for the cause of the affair; your needs are real and valid, however for now, it is important to listen to your partner without judgement, try to understand the pain your partner is in, and express empathy. This all may take some time and is essential to clearing away the rubble to lay the foundation upon which to rebuild your relationship.
It is important to note that problems within a relationship aren’t the cause of an affair per say, however problems within a relationship may create a vulnerability . Therefore, once repair/atonement starts to happen, it is important to identify the vulnerability and rebuild a new more solid sound relationship house.
All of this is most helpful in the clear structure laid out by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. It is a very delicate process and if mishandled has the potential to cause further hurt. If you are finding that things aren’t getting better or perhaps getting worse Gottman Method Couples Therapy may be helpful. Contact Bonnie Ingram Psychology to make an appointment.
