What are your beliefs about conflict in a relationship? Many people, especially those who have grown up in volatile, high conflict homes believe conflict is bad, and lack of conflict is good. Depending on how a parent or caregiver has behaved, a person may even find their own feelings of anger frightening. There is a reason the Gottman’s include Conflict at the Centre of the Sound Relationship House. Because this is how one develops a deeper understanding of and empathy for their partner.
When someone hears the word conflict they may think of yelling, name calling, aggression, and power imbalances. But what is it really? I like the definition: A disagreement or argument about something important. And if it is affecting the relationship, it is important. When I hear a couple say ‘we don’t fight’ I become curious about how needs are being expressed and met and how they are learning about each other’s inner world. While we may have our finger on the pulse of the problems associated with bad conflict (aggression, criticism, blame), the challenge of lack of conflict is often overlooked.
Lack of conflict can lead to deep feelings of loneliness which is generally fertile ground for an affair (although neither partner usually thinks so). When done in a good and respectful way, conflict allows each partner to express how they are feeling and what they need in the relationship. This in turn allows their partner to better understand them, develop empathy, and make an effort towards meeting those needs. This process allows each partner to feel more emotionally close to the other. Ultimately, raising an issue in a relationship (in a good way) is saying to one’s partner ‘this relationship is important to me, and I want to work together to make it work’.
There are many reasons why a person may avoid bringing up issues in a relationship, or interpret any issues raised as a catastrophe. If this is something you and your partner are experiencing and noticing it is impacting your relationship contact Bonnie Ingram Psychology to make an appointment.
Source: What Makes Love Last.
