We all have bad habits. Leaving our dishes on the bench rather than putting them in the dishwasher, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, or hiding an empty biscuit packet in the back of the fridge in hope that no-one notices they’ve all been eaten. These things can be relatively benign and at the same time, eternally frustrating, or even infuriating. The tricky thing is often the meaning made of the ‘bad habit’. If one parent always left their dirty clothes on the floor and treated the other parent like a housemaid, when your partner accidently forgets to put their clothes in a basket, this has the potential to hit a nerve.
How we interpret things makes all the difference, but it’s still important to talk about it. If you can, hold off saying anything unhelpful in the heat of the moment. Instead, once you’re settled, let your partner know how you feel when you see that all the biscuits have been eaten. Try something like ‘when I see the biscuits are all gone, I feel angry that I wasn’t thought of’.
If there’s a story that gives the situation a meaning and a strong feeling, share this with your partner. For example, if as a kid, it was always your job to wash the dishes and tidy the kitchen after family dinner, you may resent having to do any more than you must now, or you may believe that many hands make light work and if everyone does their bit there’s less work for everyone. Share this perspective with your partner and help them understand why this is such a big issue for you.
Lastly, let your partner know what you need. This might be something tangible like ‘I need you to leave me at least one biscuit’. Or it might be something broader like ‘I need to know you think of me even if I’m not here’. Often these two things will go hand in hand, this is, a couple of remaining biscuits means they’ve been thinking of you.
If you’d like help in communicating what you need in your relationship, please reach out to Bonnie Ingram Psychology for support.
