Have you ever had an awkward conversation about sex with your partner? Have you ever wanted to bring something up but worried about hurting their feelings or being rejected? Research by John Gottman indicates that couples who can talk about sex well, tend to have a more satisfying sex life. Couples who can (and do) talk about sex might feel closer because they can communicate about a sensitive topic, and because they can better understand each other’s likes and dislikes and all the nuance in between. It can be a difficult conversation with high potential for big emotions and hurt feelings. So, how do you talk about Sex with your partner?
Be open and curious
If there’s something on your mind, perhaps gently let your partner know that you’d like to have a conversation about sex and simply ask when would be a good time to talk. Once you have a time, try to come to the conversation relaxed and curious. Open ended questions are a great way to learn more about your partner, so perhaps begin by asking how they’re feeling about intimacy between the two of you. Even if you have something big to say, really try to understand what they’re saying.
Avoid Criticism and Blame
When it’s your turn to share, be kind, and talk from your own perspective. Avoid criticism, blame, or saying anything negative about your partner as this is likely to add to feelings of defensiveness and make it hard for them to hear you. Talk about how you feel, for example: I feel sad that we haven’t had time to be intimate together for so long. Talk about what you need, for example: I really need to feel close to you again.
Talk about what sex and intimacy mean for you. Often it can mean things like being loved, cared for, wanted, or desired in a relationship. For many it can mean a feeling of closeness or be an indicator that all is well in the relationship.
Understand Past Experiences
Sometimes past experiences can influence how we view sex and intimacy in a relationship. This can include childhood, observations of parents’ relationships and how affection was expressed, or previous relationships, particularly experiences of infidelity. If there are experiences that have shaped the way you make sense of sex and intimacy, share these stories with your partner. A good understanding of what sex, intimacy and affection means to each of you can help ease misunderstandings at more delicate times.
Hopefully the conversation about the meaning of sex creates a bridge to better understanding and emotional intimacy within your relationship.
If you would like help talking about challenging topics in your relationship, please reach out to Bonnie Ingram Psychology.
